If I told you that one of the main reasons you’re not where you’d like to be in life has nothing to do with others and EVERYTHING to do with you, your decisions, your beliefs, your choices, your thoughts, your outlook, your attitude, and your overall viewpoint towards yourself and the world, would you believe it? Or would you get pissy? Close out this article? Start rattling off to yourself (maybe even out loud), all these reasons as to why you are where you are, or aren’t where you’d like to be? Would you continue holding on tightly to the identity you’ve created and stood up for yourself? The one that lets you off the hook for being mediocre? The one that makes it easy to show up less than you’re capable of showing up each day? Maybe even has you saying to yourself right now “This guys full of shit! He doesn’t know me and my circumstances! He has no idea what I’ve been through in life! The bad hand I’ve been dealt! The people who’ve done me wrong!” Well…you’re absolutely right. I don’t know you and your circumstances. What I do know is that I don’t have to know any of those things to know it’s still you that’s creating the circumstances you don’t like. Your mindset is what’s got you stuck. Nothing else. I believe the quote from Jim Carrey calls us all on our shit when he so brutally states:
Monday doesn’t suck. The weather doesn’t suck. Your job doesn’t suck. Your lack of self-worth and self-love sucks.
Most of the stuck humans in the world who aren’t where they wanna be, have become so reliant on their false identities they’ve propped up to get by, that they don’t even realize that if they actually wanted to change the circumstances of their current situation, all they’d really have to do is change their mindset. Change their thoughts. How many of the following have you clung to as an excuse, bullshit justification for being bitter or selfish, or a reason as to why you aren’t where you wanna be in life:
- I had a rough upbringing, we were poor, money was scarce…or some version of this
- My parents were shit humans, and I’m a byproduct of my environment
- Others always have more opportunities than me
- My ex cheated on me
- I’ve always had the worst luck
- You have to cheat and take advantage of others to get to the top in life and that’s not me
- I’m here because so-and-so did me wrong
YOUR BAD EXPERIENCES DON’T GIVE YOU THE EXCUSE TO BE AN ASSHOLE
It is possible that yes, you had a bad upbringing and it caused some last trauma and false truths you cling to about why you are the way you are. BUUUUT, that doesn’t have to define your life as an adult. I believe the saying is something along the lines of….and I’m paraphrasing here, “your shitty childhood isn’t your fault but who you are now is absolutely your responsibility”. That goes for any bad experiences you’ve had. Sadly, most of us live this way. It’s easier to go through life blaming some external factor, or factors, than it is to journey inward, take a long hard look at yourself, and admit that you’ve been sucking ass as a human in a lot of ways. Hey I get it. I’ve sucked ass too! Figuratively speaking. C’mon…don’t make it weird. You know what I’m saying. I’ve used plenty of these same excuses though. Built false identities on things that I wasn’t being honest with myself about. Things I actually had more control over that I pretended I didn’t. Story time about a time in my life when I sucked some serious ass….
From 2009-2015 I served in the United States Army. When I joined, I was a little older than most who do. I was 26 when I enlisted and did so due to the housing market crash in 07/08. I was a residential subcontractor with a 2 year old to provide for at the time. My phone wasn’t ringing for residential construction jobs anymore. I beat the streets for months trying to supplement work but struggled to make ends meet. I remember getting so pissed off at my last job interview prior to enlisting. The one that pushed me over the edge to drive straight to the recruiters office. I was told that ever popular phrase we’ve all heard in movies after a job interview–”We’ll letcha know. Anyways, I was VERY competitive with myself (and my peers of course) in the Army as I was in most things I’d done in life up to that point. While serving, I pushed as hard as I could to max in every facet the military had–PT Test scores, weapons qualifications, promotion points, job qualifications etc. One thing that would set you apart from your peers, which I guess is the same in any job field, is promoting early.
The Army has two promotion zones–The Primary Zone and the Secondary Zone. The Primary Zone is for Soldiers who have met the standard requirements for promotion in the Army–time in service (TIS), time in grade (TIG), and acquiring enough promotion points. The Secondary Zone is for exceptional Soldiers who consistently stand out above their peers which, depending on the unit, that Soldier can be given an opportunity to promote early. Once I learned about this, and learned I could make E-5 in two years if I could receive waivers and attend promotion boards in my Secondary Zone, I did everything in my power to promote as early, and as often as I could my first 2 years.
By 18 months TIS, I’d received a waiver to E-4 (I enlisted as an E-3 because of college credits I already had) which doesn’t require a promotion board. From there, all I needed to pin E-5 in 2 years and become a Sergeant was 6 months TIG at E-4, 24 months TIS, and enough promotion points which I already had. All I had to do now was keep busting ass for 6 months, attend my Sergeants promotion board, and get my board recommendation and BAM!!! Sergeant in 2 years (and some odd months maybe)! But, as it can, things didn’t quite go as planned, and during that 6 month window, some of the Soldiers on my ops floor got caught up in an investigation for multiple reasons and we were all brought in to be interviewed by our Company Commander during the investigation.
After the conclusion of the investigation, which saw multiple Soldiers busted down in rank, extra duty handed out, and forfeiture of pay for some, my Sergeant Major found it adequate to then punish everyone on my ops floor regardless of the fact, only 3 were involved in the wrong doings that brought on the investigation. Part of that punishment was no early promotions for any Junior Enlisted Soldiers, which I was at the time, being an E4.
Shortly after all this happened, I PCS’d (Permanent Change of Station) back stateside to Ft. Meade, Maryland. Naturally when I got there, I was chomping at the bit to in-process into my new unit and get my ass to a promotion board as fast as possible since by then, I was a few months over 2 years TIS. Unfortunately, that unit had a policy that no Junior Enlisted could attend a promotion board until having been attached to that unit for at least 6 months. Aaaaaaand there went pinning Sergeant in 2 years. I-WAS-PISSED!!!
Naturally, I started doing what most of us do…became bitter about it. Blamed the Soldiers from my previous station for their actions prompting the investigation. Blamed my previous Sergeant Major for his “mass punishment” tactics that lumped me in with the rest. Blamed my new unit and their 6 months on station promotion policy that had me having to wait before I could even attend a promotion board. When really, what I should’ve been blaming was myself. Hear me out…
IT’S TIME TO GET REAL ON YOUR OWN BULLSHIT
We spend so much time blaming and focusing on the things we can’t control that we forget (or don’t even realize) that we can better progress the needle in life by focusing our efforts more on what we can control. Yes…I had no control over that investigation, that Sergeant Majors punishment, or my follow-on units policy around promotions. What I did have control over however, is how I responded to it. You see, when I became bitter and started shelling out all the blame, it closed my mindset off to the other possibilities I could’ve created for myself as well as being blindly led by my ego which let me convince myself that it was other people who landed me there, instead of me.
When I started acting like a little blamey bitch about it, that resentment towards others caused me to temporarily stop putting in all the effort I initially was, leading up to trying to pin E-5 in two years. I could’ve accepted what I did’t have control over, pivoted from that, and focused more on what I could control. I could’ve talked to my Platoon Sergeant and asked him to arrange a meeting with us and the Sergeant Major to try and explain the situation better. I could’ve kept doing everything I could to stand out and be an exemplary Soldier to stay on my leadership’s radar in the best ways possible. But instead, I acted like everything that happened was everyone else’s fault and didn’t pay attention to the things I could’ve done differently. And if I was REALLY being honest with myself back then about the situation, I could’ve taken it back even further to what I could’ve controlled that would’ve given me a different outcome which is….I could’ve actually finished my degree earlier in life which would’ve put me enlisting as an E-4 into the Army instead of an E-3, which would’ve meant that by the time that investigation began, I’d have already pinned E-5 beforehand. See…MY MINDSET caused that outcome. No one else’s. It’s a tough pill to swallow. An even tougher pill swallow when you don’t realize the pill even exist in relation to you.
A lot of what this book is blog site will revolves around is a shift in mindset (with most things built on the foundation of gratitude, of course). Changing your perspective about life. Making the effort to see certain aspects differently. Being completely honest with yourself and being able to call yourself on your own shit. I’m telling you now, if you keep on with the same tactics you’ve always used–consuming all the news outlets that spread mostly division, mindlessly scrolling social media, feeding into thinking you need to follow suite on how everyone else is doing life, blaming others, and other non-growth related habits, you will wake up a year from now, 5 years, 10 years, and be the same…or worse. You have to get sick and tired of your own bullshit in order to change (one of my wife’s favorite quotes). You have to open your eyes to the possibility that your circumstances aren’t special and that you have chosen them to be what they are. Someone else always has it worse than you. And in many cases, the ones with worse “dealt a bad hand” type circumstances, STILL find a way to outshine the rest and refuse to identify with their circumstances. Look at Ray Charles who didn’t let being blind stop him from playing the piano. Hellen Keller who wrote 12 published books (among MANY other accomplishments). How about ANY athlete in the Olympics with a disability? I could keep going but you get ma’drift.
Moral of the story is sure….you may have some shit going on yes. And some of it may be out of your control. But the majority of it is of your own doing and YOUR responsibility to fix…cuz no one else is gonna show up and fix it for you. Take a long hard look at your circumstances, be honest with yourself, and make a conscious, no bullshit decision to dedicate some serious time and energy to shifting and elevating your mindset. Start small at first. Listen to podcasts that talk about growth mindset oriented things. Subscribe to Youtube channels that speak of nothing but elevating your mind. Read only books related to self-improvement. Start a gratitude journal. Point is, in order for something to change…something has to change. Get me?
If you really wanna spice yo’self up on all things mindset, give Wayne Dyer’s, Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life a read. It may jar some things loose for you. If you’d like to contact me directly, or just share some of that badassness you’re currently feeling grateful for, head over to our Contact page for more info on how to do that. It can be anonymous or I can share it on the site. Or leave a comment below. Nothings better than sharing all the good vibes!
Love you bitches! Thanks for coming! Stay grateful!
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